The Drink Taxonomy of Guys

by Keith Savage · 22 comments

Post image for The Drink Taxonomy of Guys

This post is a bit of humor gleaned from observations during my travels abroad and around the bars right at home. Please don’t take it seriously, but I hope it gives you a laugh.

Every night around the world bars are flooded with a mosaic of patrons, from happy-go-lucky students to desperate professionals to crusty old timers in the corner. For many, it’s a race to gather as much information as possible about romantic prospects before opportunity stops knocking. The tactics are simple and effective: glances over drinks, accidental nudges, and the casual disinterest of talking with your wing-people.

A few nights ago, as I imparted some local Madison wisdom to an acquaintance’s little sister who had recently moved here, I tapped into an almost mystical taxonomy of guys based on the drink they order at the bar.

What I’m about to share with you has an extremely high success rate of predicting a guy’s nature. As with most things in life, women are completely different and this drink taxonomy of guys does not apply to them. Take heed, my fellow male brethren, of what your drink says about you:

Beer Guy

Easily the most common guy out there, Beer Guy covers a broad range of dudes from blue-collar hunters to malt aficionados to college kids getting their first case of Busch Light. With a Beer Guy, you know where you stand. He’s a straight-forward, honest guy that likes the simple things in life. Note: very different from Wine Guy. Beer Guy isn’t the most ambitious person you’ve ever met, but when he finds something (or someone) he likes he’s very loyal. Beer Guy is the world’s best belcher.

Whiskey Guy

Whiskey Guy is the Beer Guy’s rougher, more crass brother. He doesn’t drink Scotch or Irish Whisky – only American whiskies like Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. He’s often confused and without goals, aimlessly wandering through life like it’s a pub crawl. Ironically, Whiskey Guy’s greatest skill is drinking lots of whiskey, and he has a natural immunity to hangovers. For this reason, he often scoffs at the antics of Rum Guy, Tequila Guy, and Gin Guy, who he perceives can’t hold their liquor. Whiskey Guy likes flannel and foosball.

Vodka Guy

Vodka Guy is a hunter. He’s at the bar to hook-up and he’s often successful. He’ll chat you up, make you glow, and then leave you feeling as empty as his zero calorie Stoli soda. Vodka Guy is ruthless in this pursuit. As a result, Vodka Guy often seems to have zero heart as well. He is not interested in conversation of any depth, so keep your interactions with him to Twitter-like brevity. If he’s disinterested, he’s known to tortuously mangle drink napkins until the offending party drifts off in rejected disgust.

Gin Guy

The wild card of the bunch, Gin Guy can be insecure and unpredictable. Few drinks are more run of the mill (pardon the pun) than the gin and tonic, and Gin Guy likes to order it to deflect any questions about his drink choice. The more gin that Gin Guy imbibes, however, the more unpredictable his actions become. He can vacillate toward Rum Guy’s penchant for confrontation or find himself in the middle of a Whiskey Guy’s confused fugue state. Caution is advised when interacting with gin power drinkers or shooters.

Wine Guy

Wine Guy seeks the finer things in life, such as sea urchin roe, cuddle seats, and anything from Hammacher Schlemmer. He’s picky, and this means Wine Guy is often single. Wine Guy rarely shows his true colors in your average bar, preferring to fall back on one of his lesser “Guys.” As a result, he’s liable to get black-out drunk if he’s drinking vodka or gin with actual Vodka or Gin Guys. He’s acutely aware of what others think of him and can be deeply attentive to surface appearances. Wine Guy loves to chat.

Scotch Guy

A real Scotch Guy is rare – enjoying Cutty Sark, J&B, and Clan MacGregor do not a Scotch Guy make. Scotch Guy knows what he likes and provides a steadying presence to any situation. Scotch Guy does not over-indulge in his preferred drink; he treats each dram with respect, the same way he treats others. His main character flaw is his tendency to be stubborn and contrary when challenged. Scotch Guy and Wine Guy often nod at each other.

Rum Guy

Warning, warning, warning: Rum Guy might have some anger issues. He likes to exercise them by destroying others. Rum Guy uses alcohol (i.e., rum) to lever open his cocoon of repression. Generally it’s good for humans to express themselves. Unfortunately, Rum Guy’s sense of personal expression involves violent clashes of man flesh. When bad shit goes down at the bar, you’re likely to find Rum Guy in the center of the melee. After all, it’s what his subconscious secretly craves. As the Captain would say: Ladies, ye be warned.

Shots Guy

In many ways, Shots Guy is like a bottle rocket. He’s really loud and fun for a short period of time, and then he’s dead. Whereas Rum Guy likes to destroy others, Shots Guy likes to destroy himself. As fast as possible. Shots Guy is volatile and can be prone to destroying other things, like his job and relationships, through collateral damage of his own self-destruction. Often, Shots Guy has hidden demons, and he seems to believe they’re vulnerable to 1oz. servings of hard liquor.

Tequila Guy

If the man isn’t from Mexico, then he’s insane. Tequila Guy is constantly on the lookout for the craziest parties and best time of his life. If the party or bar isn’t crazy enough he’ll do everything in their power to make it bedlam. The guy with the underwear on his head running down the beach blowing a kazoo…yeah, that’s Tequila Guy. Unlike Shots Guy (who wants to destroy himself) and Rum Guy (who likes to destroy others), Tequila Guy is simply oblivious in his search for a good time and the resulting actions that incidentally hurt others. He throws up a lot.

Foofy Guy

The sweet side of the alcohol spectrum is the domain of Foofy Guy: daiquiris, margaritas, champagne, wine coolers, and other “malt” beverages. An enigma upon first observation, Foofy Guy is either supremely confident in his manhood or simply an inexperienced drinker. Foofy Guy takes a lot of crap from the other “Guys,” but he’s often an open and engaging person and so sees lots of attention. Foofy Guy loves Hawaiian shirts and trips to tropical islands where he can indulge himself without ridicule.

Have you met these guys? Can you see yourself in one or many of them? Think I’m off base? Let me know in the comments!

Original photo by VancityAllie via Flickr under Creative Commons

ToddNo Gravatar August 29, 2011 at 5:11 PM

I was a vodka guy for a while, but now I’m back to back and forth between whiskey and beer.

Heritage Link BrandsNo Gravatar December 1, 2010 at 11:26 PM

Very informative post. I really like wines but i don’t know if I fit the description of a wine guy. I’m seeing myself nearer the whiskey and and sometimes scotch guy. Anyway, it doesn’t really mean that i should automatically be the description. What’s cool about this is they actually fit my friends description.

ChristineNo Gravatar April 14, 2010 at 8:29 PM

Love this–and so true! Now if only I knew what my drink said about me. I’m pretty sure “vodka” girls are more concerned with getting drunk with lower calories than hunting prospects–but sometimes the two go hand in hand…

KeithNo Gravatar April 14, 2010 at 10:06 PM

Maybe while you’re in France you can take notes in order to write the Drink Taxonomy of Women! I’d love to read it.

AhimsaNo Gravatar April 1, 2010 at 7:30 AM

Awesome, but in my experiences I think we “Scotch guys” aren’t too big fans of the wine guy. His pony tail is always too annoying, and he’s not drinking any fucking merlot!

KeithNo Gravatar April 1, 2010 at 1:52 PM

I can’t bash on the wine guy too much – I’m part wine guy myself (sans pony tail).

Cornelius AesopNo Gravatar March 20, 2010 at 8:46 AM

I love this, I would have to say I’m a beer ‘monkey’/wine ‘monkey’ mix. I like a little bit of both, lean more towards beer but if I’m sitting next to some of the other types I’ll join in with them at least for a little while.
.-= Cornelius Aesop´s last blog ..Cleveland Gets Lucky =-.

KeithNo Gravatar March 21, 2010 at 3:22 PM

That’s quite a rare blend – very interesting!

SuzyNo Gravatar March 16, 2010 at 9:20 PM

Right on with every single one. Love how you included the “Foofy” guy too. Great post Keith.
.-= Suzy´s last blog ..Where are you going? Battling Irish Tricksters in the Village of Teelin =-.

KeithNo Gravatar March 16, 2010 at 9:23 PM

And I almost cut him, too!

GrayNo Gravatar March 11, 2010 at 10:36 AM

This is great, Keith. I can’t say how true it is (though I think you are spot on about wine guy), but I know I’m going to start watching more carefully what people around me are drinking from now on! Someone definitely has to do a drink taxonomy of women now, because I’d love to know where I fall.
.-= Gray´s last blog ..El Convento: Luxury for the Solo Traveler =-.

KeithNo Gravatar March 11, 2010 at 3:06 PM

I’m sadly ill-equipped to write the drink taxonomy of women, and I’m sure my wife would disapprove of such research at this stage in our lives. 🙂

Backpacking-Travel-GuideNo Gravatar March 8, 2010 at 3:33 PM

Insanely funny with plenty of hidden and not so hidden truths! I think there are many “Vodka Guys” prowling about in New York’s meat packing district…I’m also equally as confident that Jersey Shore’s Snookie came into contact with a “Rum Guy” during the episode in which she was punched in the face! All in all I agree that “Beer Guy” might be the most laid back, genuine guy of the whole round up! great article!
—comment posted by TB of OTP

KeithNo Gravatar March 8, 2010 at 4:30 PM

Thanks TB! It’s nice to have some corroborating examples here.

Backpacking-Travel-GuideNo Gravatar March 8, 2010 at 12:54 AM

I’m an extreme Vodka to Wine guy, a true Gemini. This is a GREAT, GREAT GREAT article you got here Keith 🙂
.-= Backpacking-Travel-Guide´s last blog ..Travel Blog Dork of the Week: Daniel Roy – =-.

KeithNo Gravatar March 8, 2010 at 4:27 PM

Yeah, two very different sides of the coin. Glad you liked it – don’t let me stop you from tweeting it 😉

Nomadic ChickNo Gravatar March 7, 2010 at 10:51 PM

Hahaha! Loved this. I flip from Vodka to Rum, when combined adds up to passionate, confident guys. On the flipside, I could be attracted to dudes with an angry chip, who never call the next morning, especially after they promise. Although, I have been known to swill beer, so perhaps all 3 might be my perfect man? 😀
.-= Nomadic Chick´s last blog ..My Top 3 Travel Secrets =-.

KeithNo Gravatar March 8, 2010 at 4:29 PM

There’s an interesting premise: adding different “Guys” and spitting out some famous personality. Hmmm. Glad you liked it!

Jackie Rose (@letssitoutside)No Gravatar March 7, 2010 at 10:25 PM

Haha! Great post!

I drink Jack Daniels with Coke and cherries…and I do shots of tequila. I think your drink taxonomy may work for girls as well, at least it works for me as I tend to travel rough, enjoy aimless wandering, and have been known to get a party started 🙂

Hope all is well!
.-= Jackie Rose (@letssitoutside)´s last blog ..I Have a Choice to Make =-.

KeithNo Gravatar March 8, 2010 at 4:34 PM

That’s a tough menu there. Do you have a kazoo, too?

ayngelinaNo Gravatar March 7, 2010 at 5:17 PM

I’m a vodka soda girl, does that mean I have no heart??
Actually last night I was a beer/prosecco/rye and coke/vodka soda/Jägermeister bomb girl. I think that just signals I have issues.
.-= ayngelina´s last blog ..My Traveling Companion =-.

KeithNo Gravatar March 7, 2010 at 6:57 PM

Haha, no, it doesn’t. Girls have an entirely different drink taxonomy, but I haven’t figured it out yet. Much more complex.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: